sounds like you got the existential despair wavelength going through the brain, never fret, just say fuck it; because life's too short, you can't fill the voids, god probably only exists in the mind, and so forth. I'm depressed too, actually I think most mofos are. Some just hide it better, and others direct it back onto the people around them. The biggest mistake humans make, I think, is taking everything to serious, especially responsibility... It isn't our place to.

uh oh. Viktor is babblin again. time to git faded.

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Viktor was here. Went to get beer.

I'm wondering if this is the thing we talked about? The like 4 year thing?

the human condition - which isnt actually depression, is loneliness. it may sound kitsch if i add this but i think it does makes sense - i think you can only be at peace when you make peace with yourself. wanting, yearning may have its place in creativity - in making things happen - but then it only feeds the emptiness, the lack. i assure you that destroying the supposed calm, comforts, imaginary permanence of things around you wont in any way change how you feel. i used to think that a radical change in my life/lifestyle would make things look fresh, make me feel new and good about myself - but no. its much like painting over a vandalized wall, over and over again. other people see the fresh paint and admire it but then somewhere under it the vandalization remains. so yep. kitsch but true - and yes a very hard thing to do. (hm. that rhymes. ) im still working on it myself. never easy, but then i dont get so depressed like before. my friend taught me some of these buddhist exercises. pretty challenging to do but then its all worth it. making peace with loneliness, learning to appreciate suffering. forgiveness and all these things

i know exactly what your talking about regarding the buddhist outlook on things. i was/am in the buddhist mode of thinking most of the time and generally at peace. but just like that fresh white canvas, i saw a little fleck of something and focused on it, and before i knew it i had fallen into the fleck the whole canvas had become that all to familiar and strangely comfortable darkness. i dont think drastic changes will necessarily make me any happier. i dont think im even really looking for happiness. its just generally being content and peaceful for so long has made me forget of the emotional whirlwind of change and it feels good, tho i know its a dangerous game to play. indulgence in wants never ends well.

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I have died nine-tenths but keep the other one-tenth like a gun. -bukowski

thank you for you.

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I have died nine-tenths but keep the other one-tenth like a gun. -bukowski

hah. i think i know what you mean. and i think thats the one reason why i cant seem to be a buddhist and yet try to practice thinking like one anyhow. i think im in-love with change. playing with the forces - or being the forces can get me high and yet i know that too much of it can kill me - so basically, practices on contentment and understanding help keep me at bay. it sounds like im using it like a pill but then, too much of anything isnt good. thats what i think for now. i dont know what state of mind i'll be in a couple of days but then we are free to muse while learning right?

thanks to you as well

Been there man. You'll get through it.

doug

u can never catch endless . it is a ghost u can only feel this. maybe it can hurt u when u are feeling this. but when u lost it when everything going same again u ll miss endless. imagine of endless now closer to u. this is beautiful.

but then...
your face ll be the only thing u want to see again when everything is ok. sorry everyting ll be ok for u too. and we ll forget.